No skill required to prepare
This is a toasted bun with butter and condensed milk, served at restaurants everywhere in Hong Kong, and I hate this thing with a passion. It’s what you would find discarded in a garbage dump. I imagine all the Hong Kong eateries got together and the conversation went something like this:
“We need a dessert for our restaurants …”
“Yeah we need something! Asians love desserts.”
“Does anyone know how to make anything?”
“How about shaved ice? That’s big in Taiwan.”
“Yeah but they have tons of fresh fruit, and we have none – because Hong Kong doesn’t grow anything locally.”
“I don’t think people here care about fresh food. I use canned fruits for all of our ‘healthy drinks’ and ‘healthy desserts’ and no one ever says anything. Haven’t you seen some of the stuff we serve? As long as it’s drenched in oil they’ll scarf it up.”
I could use this to fuel my car
“Totally, dim sum for the win. Also all our bakery products, always a good way to use up all the oil left over from a night of cooking.”
Gel my hair with this
Use this to lubricate squeaky hinges
“Shaved ice takes too much effort. You actually have to shave the ice! It doesn’t come prepackaged like everything else we make … like stale noodles, beef balls and fish balls and mystery meat balls, beverage syrups …”
The noodles scrape your throat on the way down
Life is like Hong Kong balls, you never know what you're going to get
Let's drink sludge and eat defrosted week-old mango
“Yeah I can’t believe we get away with selling ‘juice beverages’ and ‘milk beverages’ instead of real juice and real milk. So much cheaper to produce. But fruit costs money and spoils fast, let’s stick to carbs, the cheap and empty calories kind that can keep for ages.”
It says "lemon tea BEVERAGE" because it's not lemon or tea
“How about cakes?”
“No, same reason – the ingredients cost money. And cakes can only be kept for a few days! We need something that can be stored for weeks, months, even years. Also, baking is too much effort for no reason – people here don’t care about quality, they can’t tell the difference.”
“OK, so we need something prepackaged, cheap, can be stored forever, and most importantly, requiring as little effort as possible to prepare. What’s a cooking method that even the most stupid idiot could do? (Because that’s actually the only kind of staff we hire – again, we like to save money.)”
“Microwave? … No, you actually have to think about how long to put it in for.”
OMG too complicated too many buttons
“How about a toaster? You just press a button, not one single mental activity required! And it’s fast – you know how rude and impatient people are. People here have no ‘inside voices’. “
Ah much better - no cognitive process required
“You’re a genius! What’s the cheapest bread we can use, white bread? That stuff will last forever if you keep it in the freezer.”
“We already use it with scrambled eggs. Don’t tell anyone but we’ve been using those new artificial Chinese eggs – so cheap.”
These eggs look like pig slop
“OK so we’ll toast white bread. Don’t forget to load it up with butter because Hong Kong people love eating oil and grease.”
“I feel like something’s missing, we need a final touch … something sugary to close the deal. They can’t resist artificial sweets.”
“Chocolate?”
“Too expensive and it’s too natural.”
“Fruit?”
“We went over this.”
“How about condensed milk? That stuff lasts forever – I know this because we buy it after it expires.”
100% made in China! Land of safe milk!
“Yeah, drizzle condensed milk on top, they love that stuff.”
“OK, how long do you think this takes to prepare? A minute?”
“Well, that’s like 50 seconds of waiting for the toaster. Actual prep only takes about 10 seconds.”
“And even my 2-year-old son could make this.”
“Are you sure we should be serving something so low quality and easy to make? I think this is a new low, even for us – honestly it looks like something you’d give to a dog. And why would people order it when they could make it themselves at home?”
“Come on. Hong Kong people are so lazy they can’t even be bothered to do their own housekeeping. Haven’t you seen the maids outside on Sundays? Like anyone actually cooks for themselves.”
Filipino Day (every Sunday)
“Uh no, I’ve spent my entire life indoors, usually in a stationary seated position and eating dim sum. Can’t you tell from my obese flabby body?”
OK so I exaggerate
“And if it looks like dog food, it’ll fit right in with all the other menu items, like macaroni in salt water.”
Once again, minimal effort required to prepare
“Or beige pudding.”
Looks like a block of crap, how much more processed can we get
“The meat we use might actually be dog food, now that I think about it. It comes in the same kind of can and I didn’t really read the label …”
This was recalled. Difficult to keep track of dangerous food here
All right guys, let’s focus here. So are we agreed on this? Recipe: butter bread, toast it, drizzle condensed milk, sell for five times the cost.”
“Sure.”
“Yeah.”
“OK.”
“It’s going on menus tomorrow, then. Good work.”
*****
While researching for this post, I came across this blog entry about how this girl misses food in Hong Kong. The food she misses includes cake from Ruby Tuesday, mango pudding with balls and pre-frozen fruit from Hui Lau Shan, and sundaes from McDonalds.
Among the best desserts in HK
I think it’s very telling that these are on her representative list of the best desserts in HK.
P.S. This is the Taiwanese equivalent of the condensed bun garbage, yet infinitely better: sweet butter brick toast 奶酥吐司.
This calms me down
